Team Me

Yesterday I made a new all-time record on my exercise machine of choice, the Gazelle. I told my husband about my new success and he said, “Where did you get the energy from?”

I replied, “I didn’t.”

He gave me a raised-eyebrow and said, “Hmm.”

It’s true; I don’t have the energy or stamina to be doing this. I really don’t. What he doesn’t know is -- and it’s my little secret -- I have my own personal trainer. Yup, that’s right I got one, just like the celebrities. Jealous yet?

Not that I always like her. Our routine starts when my alarm clock goes off in the morning.

6:45
Get out of bed.

No, I’m sleeping in today.

GET OUT and get your ass moving.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooo.

If you don’t get up now you won’t have time to get your workout in before the kids get up.

Maybe we could all have a good morning snuggle.

You’re fat, really really fat. Fat asses stay in bed for a snuggle.

What? That’s just rude.

Yes, but true.

Gawh! Fine I’ll get up, but I’m only doing 20 minutes.

Just get out there.


6:55
I can’t find my workout clothes.

So, exercise in your skivvies.

Ugh. Fine I’ll use this t-shirt and sweats – but their not ‘the workout’ clothes.


7:05
Okay, this isn’t so bad.

You’re going too slow. Speed it up.

I’m warming up; I’ll speed up in a few minutes.

NO, do it NOW. Don’t make me come over there and push you.

Okay fineeeeeee cranky lady. Someone needs a second cup this morning.

7:20
I can do five more minutes.

You can do ten.

Gawh, you don’t have to be so mean.

Pick up the speed, your slacking. Come on now, KICK kick KICK kick. Swing those legs!


7:30
This isn’t bad, I’ll go another five.

Hurumph.


7:40
Okay I’m done.

You can do five more.

What? I don’t want to.

Sissy lala

UGH, no need to call me names.

Fat ass.

Okay thanks for the reminder, five more and then I’m really done!


7:45
Okay, now I’m done.

You are at 2.6 miles. That’s really close to 3 miles.

Gosh you’re right. I'll think about that tomorrow.

All day today you can think about how close to 3 miles you were but you punked out at the last minute. It’s only 15 more minutes…

Well… frick! How do I let you talk me into this? @#$% whore.


7:56
Wow, so close. Come on speed it up. I can do it, so close. Woohoo, 3 miles. I wonder if I can make 3.1 today.

That’s a girl. You’ll be shopping in the regular women’s section at Target yet.

8:00
Yeah, 3.1 miles baby. Now I must get off of this thing and DIE.

You won’t die, quit being a sissy. Next week we’ll add in some crunches.

What?! You’re kidding me!

Nope.

I hate you. I really, really hate you.

You say that now.

No I mean it this time.

Whatever, see you tomorrow morning.

Bitch.


So you're wondering why my husband doesn't know I have a personal trainer with all that drama going on every morning right? Well, it's because he's a deep sleeper and during the week he's at work well before I wake up. Good thing he doesn't notice her, she'd tell him what a whiner I really am.